


Salty Boys

by phobiaDeficient (TheTriggeredHappy)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Team as Family, Why didn't I write this already, sappy bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-09-07 06:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8787778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTriggeredHappy/pseuds/phobiaDeficient
Summary: Bitter, savory, sour, sweet, and these assholes.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [unedited because we die like men here]

Magnus accepted the spoon he was handed without question and ate it in one motion, handing the silverware back as he chewed, unperturbed.

Taako was watching him carefully now, eyes squinted as he sought out a reaction, fingers steepled in front of his mouth like Fantasy Sherlock or something.

Magnus's eyes widened slightly, and he grinned. He quickly swallowed the food before he let himself beam at his friend. "I love mashed potatoes!" he said cheerfully.

"Mmhmm, mmhmm," Taako hummed, "I'm glad, but... thoughts."

"On... what?" Magnus asked slowly.

"Taste, texture, balance of flavors and consistency—c'mon, man, you're killing me here," Taako sighed dramatically.

"Oh. Uh... I liked... the... the buttery taste. It was really good."

"And?"

"...I liked that I got to eat it?" Magnus said slowly.

"...Nothing else?" Taako asked after a long moment. Magnus shook his head. "Okay. Good. Cool. So it didn't taste like death?"

"No? Was it supposed to?" Magnus asked, getting more confused by the minute.

Taako slapped him on the shoulder as he walked past him and back into the kitchen. "Nope."

 

* * *

 

  
Merle raised a bushy eyebrow at the plate an inch away from his nose, then transferred said eyebrow to his tall Elvish friend.

"...Is this a prank?"

"Nope."

"So this isn't full of hot sauce?"

"Not even a little."

"I won't get a mouth full of brick if I try and bite into it?"

"Correct."

"...Well shit," Merle said, scooping up the brownie and chomping off half of it in one bite with a grin.

Taako rolled his eyes and held the plate away again, and although he didn't seem to notice he began to spin it idly. "Constructive criticism of any kind?" he asked calmly.

Merle downed enough of the chocolate in his mouth to reply. "My only complaint is that I don't have more complaints!" he chuckled, biting off another piece enthusiastically. "Or more brownies, for that matter! I never would've thought that a sort of, salty mix to the sweet would be good, but holy shit, Pan bless."

"Cool," Taako said, noticing his spinning plate and stopping it quickly. "You have spell slots left, right?"

"Yeah, I haven't... wait, why?" Merle said, suddenly suspicious.

"No reason, just wanted to make sure you had healing spells in case of any kitchen accidents or something, we have like, knives and shit brosephous," Taako said airily, wandering out of the cleric's room again. "Later, amigo."

"Uh... bye?" Merle replied, watching him leave, confused.

 

* * *

 

  
"Come onnn," Magnus groaned, rapping his fingers against the table. "I'm starving and the food smells delicious!"

"Calm your fuck, my guy, this shit takes time," Taako replied.

"It looks done, what else do you need to do?" Merle complained, leaning his face on his hand.

"I—I can't find my damn salt shaker—anywhere!" Taako replied haltingly as he seized open drawers and cabinets and for the fiftieth time patted his pockets.

"We have salt in the cabinet, dude!" Magnus reminded him, pointing.

"No, it's different salt, I—don't touch the food, I'll be right back," Taako said firmly as he swept out of the room.

Magnus and Merle waited only one second before Magnus was standing up and walking over to the counter, looking over the food.

Taako had really gone all out. This was a four-course meal, almost, except Magnus didn't actually know for sure what that meant but damn there was a lot of food.

He pondered the counter in front of him only a second before he nicked a strawberry from a bowl of chopped fruit, bringing the bowl over to sit between him and Merle. "You like honeydew?"

"Hell yeah!"

Magnus had only barely lifted the strawberry to his mouth before he felt it suddenly get smacked away by a phantom hand. Taako stood in the doorway, eyes wild, one hand outstretched and the other clutching something at his side.

Magnus blinked. "Okay so I know you said—"

He was pushed aside as Taako shoved his way to the bowl, sprinkling something onto the top and staring at it with what might've been called panic.

He stared. Magnus and Merle gaped. Somewhere, a clock ticked.

Then the tension slowly melted from his frame like wax on a frying pan, and he visibly shook out his arms, walking over to the counter and sprinkling something over the other dishes as well. Nobody spoke for a few heavy, tense moments.

"...My strawberry," Magnus finally said, staring at the strawberry on the ground a meter or so away.

"Fuck your strawberry," Taako replied with uncharacteristic conviction. He was moving dishes around then, sweeping between the counter and the table with three or four plates at a time, with precision and grace and a weird kind of threatening disposition and Magnus shut right the hell up.

It wasn't until the last silverware was set down and Taako was in his chair that he made looked either of them in the face. He saw the same confusion on both, but Magnus had a kind of betrayal on his face and Merle had a disapproval that would make little kids confess to anything.

"...Do you wanna eat the food or not, hombres?" Taako asked flatly.

That was enough for Magnus to start cautiously moving to put things on his plate. Taako did as well, but Merle just crossed his arms.

"Listen, I'm not gonna sit here and eat until you explain what the hell your beef here is."

"Meatloaf," Magnus chimed. The look he earned from the other two made him stop. "...Oh, you meant... oh."

"Listen, if you want my life story you'll have to wait until I finish the good ol' autobiography, pal," Taako replied in a tone that suggested Merle should just Drop It.

He glared for a second before standing up. "I'm gonna grab some water. Hydration is important," he said gruffly, picking up his glass and going to the sink.

A short pause fell. Taako spoke first. "So are you gonna pick up the strawberry or is it a decoration piece now?"

"Nice joke."

"Thanks."

"Taako what the hell."

Taako turned around and saw Merle holding up a small container and he felt his blood run cold. Magnus was squinting.

"What's that?"

"The thing from Fantasy Costco. That you put on food or in drink, and it detects poison." He was glaring at Taako. "Where are you getting food from that you worry about it killing us?"

Taako had to consciously stop himself from fidgeting. "Can't be too careful?" he tried, but Merle kept glaring. "...Okay, listen. I... just get paranoid about cooking stuff, it's no big deal and I don't—"

"Wait, is that why you didn't start cooking until you had that salt?" Magnus asked, blinking.

"No, he didn't start cooking until we got back from Refuge," Merle corrected and fuck that guy's Perception checks god damn. "Was it about Ren's whole deal, the fan thing?"

"I... no."

"Oh, Paloma, was it her that inspired you again?" Magnus asked, looking at Taako now too. "Her pastries were the best."

"No, I..." Taako forced himself to take a breath. "I said, like, that thing that was bad, and it wasn't my fault actually? Well that bad thing is where the paranoia stems from and that's all the psychoanalysis we're gonna do on the Flip Wizard today."

He turned and began eating his food silently, decisively not looking at the other two.

Eventually, Merle sat back down. The sound of cutlery on plates was the only noise for a bit.

"Hey, Taako?"

"What's up Mango-man?"

"Fuckin' excellent food. Haven't had home cooked in a long ass time, it's awesome."

Taako didn't look up, but he stopped eating, processing, trying to think of a reply.

"Yeah, and I haven't had a proper sit-down dinner in ages. Really homely and cheesy and shit," Merle chuckled.

When Taako eventually looked up, the other two pretended not to notice the grin trying to force its way onto his face. "Thanks, homies."

 

 

 

_(Magnus eventually picked up the strawberry.)_

 

**Author's Note:**

> [anyone else remember that item because i do. probably a coincidence but i love dying and being dead so instead i did this]


End file.
